When you simply cannot fight the tears

Life can be a tad hard, when you think you’ve given it all, and your all is still not enough. Maybe I ask too much of life, maybe I just want to cruise through it all, would it be too difficult? Or I want to go by with minimal pain and tears, and minimal is the key word. How much is minimal though?

Of course I’ve had a better life than most people in the world. I’ve a roof under my head, family who love me, friends who stand by me, travelled half the world, seen and done activities many can only yearn for, but it doesn’t mean I’ve no right to be upset or feel this utter sadness.

Life is definitely 95% attitude and 5% luck, but at times you cant help and feel that the 5% is out to get even for all the luxuries you’ve gotten in life. And so you succumb to the deepest depth of your darkest emotions. Alone.

No matter what all the inspirational stuff says, when you feel the emptiness within, all that is left, is to let it consume your entire being and give in to the vacuum.

For now, let’s just pretend that everything is awesome and we’re all shiny happy people.

The music that binds

Music is subjective.

Just the other day, I read that heavy metal is making a huge comeback (or was it ever gone?). That there were more heavy metal music streaming via Spotify than Pop and Hip Hop (a rather distant 5th) is really quite interesting cos I’m not a fan of heavy metal, but hey, what do I know?

Music is diverse and speaks to almost everyone I know in their own language. From Icelandic folk music to Norwegian pop (thanks to Kurt Nilsen’s winning performance in World Idol 2004, beating the likes of Kelly Clarkson and Will Young, where a certain Simon says ‘you’ve got the face of a hobbit, but the voice of an angel” – check out Kurt Nilsen’s winning performance) to Trance (the Armin, Tiesto, Ferry Corsten kind) to Hip Hop and rock ballads… there’s a song for any moment in time.

I listen to music whenever I have to commute a distance more than 5 minutes, cos it allows me to shut out the noise and chatters and be in my own world. Perhaps my need for music is muted by the fact that I’m silent about it. I have playlists to remind me of certain moods and songs that can get me through the day. I have concerts that still gives me the goosebumps when I think about how frigging mindblowing they were (Take That @ Wembley, Garbage, The Killers, G.E.M, HAIM, Tiesto, Ferry Corsten), concerts that I can’t wait to attend (Muse, Madonna, Bon Jovi, Eminem, Bryan Adams, U2) and concerts I’ll never be able to attend (Queen, East 17, Joni Mitchell, X Japan, Guns n Roses).

Why am I writing about music? Because despite all the hardships of meandering through life and it’s many obstacles, there’ll always be a song to get your grooving instead.

The Story

Now this is a story all about how 3 kids from the 80s got together in life.

They met at work and became fast friends.

But they went on their separate ways shortly, but still stayed friends.

One was tall and one was pretty, but the other one was not quite the same.

They meet for coffee rather regularly; they always find ways to get out for some life.

One random day, they had coffee as usual.

They spoke about everything under the sky.

That includes what they love from their childhood.

And just like that, their pandan waffle story was born.

To satisfy their hunger pangs and some not very nice food they had that day.

Distractions

Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin’ hard
Said no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars
Yeah, we’ll be counting stars

… thinking about the past, present & future, which is stupid cos we don’t know what the future holds for us anyway.

So I distracted myself by re-watching videos of Alexei Nemov and Svetlana Khorkina. I still haven’t found anyone who can replace them. 

 

This Is The Song I Remember You By | Thought Catalog

This Is The Song I Remember You By | Thought Catalog.

I remember a lot of people, both past and present, through songs.

In fact, I associate memories through songs, and that’s why music means so much to me. This is especially true of my past, regardless of friends or lovers, I’ve tagged a song to almost everyone that means something to me.

Let me try to recap some meaningful ones through sheer memory.

1. Friends by Michael W. Smith – This song is tagged to almost the entire 1994 graduating batch of seniors I was close with, the seniors who looked out for me and treated me like their lil kiddo when I was a wee, bright eyed junior, who was still finding her feet in the rather brutal environment of an all-girls convent school.

2. Love is Love by Culture Club – This song played when the whole school was watching “Electric Dreams” and I made my first move to someone who till this day, I am grateful for the care and concern that was shown to me. Ditty by Paperboy reminds me of this person as well.

3. I’ll make love to you by Boyz II Men – My first true puppy love. Haha perils of youth and the silliness that accompanied us then. Just glad that we’re really, really good friends now.

4. Goodbye & All out of Love by Air Supply – To someone whom I still love and thankfully has on my side till this day. We don’t meet often (1-2 times a year), but when we do, it’s as though we were never apart.

5. Can’t fight this feeling by REO Speedwagon – After almost 2 decades of silence, I finally cleared the air about who this song really belonged to. So glad we are where we are now and that is real friendship. “A whole new world” belongs to you too. Because the heroine of the movie shares your namesake and reminds me so much of you.

6. November Rain by Guns N’ Roses – To the gang that used to hang out in Thomson View, this is your song. To the endless hours of playing around the car park and stealing sips of alcohol…those were the carefree days.

7. The entire Guns N’ Rose “Use your illusion I & II” album – You recorded the album for me on cassette tape back in 1992. I still have it somewhere. We may have lost touch over the years, but that didn’t stop me from feeling the sadness when I hear you’ve gone to the other side.

8. I don’t want to wait by Paula Cole – Probably one of my greatest regret, because I refused to get out of a ruck, and I wasted a chance to know what could have been between us. And now, I don’t even know what’s happened to you despite my best efforts to find out from various sources.

9. All that she wants by Ace of Base – My classmates from 1993, who put up the dance moves for Teacher’s Day… all those who were involved, that was brilliant. Thank you for involving me in the dance (even though I was a really crap dancer).

10. Pray by Take That – The group who pontang school that fateful day in 1995 just to stalk Gary, Jason, Howard and Mark (who were rumoured to be staying at the defunct Marco Polo Hotel)… we roamed the streets and Holland V. That day was really fun!

Plenty of songs belong to a lot of other people… for now, it’s enough reminiscing for the night.

To 2013 and goodbye 2012!

To 2012… you’ve been really good and really bad to me. But I love you anyway.

It was a roller coaster year for sure. With a mix bag of goodness and some badass hiccups.

January didn’t start that well as I found out I had to go for a surgery, but more on that later.

The highlight of the year has to be fulfilling the no. 1 item on my bucket list (not that I’m kicking the bucket anytime soon!), but seeing the Aurora Borealis dancing in the sky in Tromsø was simply breathtaking. And the coldest I’ve ever experienced in my life too.

We covered other snow-related adventure during our time in Tromsø too. Snow mobiling along snow-capped mountains was inspiring. On one hand, you have the speed and rush of scooting along a path covered in at least a foot deep in snow.  On the other hand, other than the noise from the engine of your snow mobile, you notice an eerie quietness from your surroundings. It allows you to delve into a pensive mood even as your adrenalin is pumping from the freedom of zooming up and along the mountain. I’ve never felt more alive and free during those times in the mountain.

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Dog sledding was pretty darn cool too. I’ve always wanted to try after I saw it on Amazing Race. The dogs were such a dear, and they can piss and shit whilst speeding down the pre-determined path too! We saw a weak Aurora Borealis on this night, and we were grateful we saw a full on show the night before cos it got real cloudy!

We covered Oslo, Stockholm and Copenhagen in this trip as well and you can read more of the trip in my earlier post.

Then I came back and went for surgery. Thankfully the fibroids weren’t cancerous (1% chance is still a chance!). The break also gave me a new perspective on life, and I made the choice of resigning without a job, so I could take a nice long break to recharge.

Retiring by the time I turn 30 has been a lifelong dream, but since it’s not possible in the current working climate, the next best thing is to take a sabbatical.

Hong Kong popped into my radar as the partner was sent there to work for a month.  So off I trodded to HK for 20 days to chill, eat, sightsee new places (5th time there) and shop!

Bummed around for the next couple months, then I decided to help my friend at her casting gig. Basically to cast actors/actresses in a joint Australian/Singapore production called HBO. Let’s just say it opened up my eyes to the world of TV industry (seeing as I studied TV prod, but never practiced them).

That lasted 2+ months before I got called back into the corporate world (for 6 months at least) and that’s where I am right now.

I’ll be blogging about my year end Sri Lanka adventure  trip very soon… as soon as I can find a moment of unlaziness. And now back to the Australian Open…

What I’ve been up to? Where’s the holiday?!

After mucking about for 3 months doing jobs I’ve always wanted to try out for fun, I decided to go back to the corporate world, doing actual work that’s right up my expertise.

So all’s been quiet on the travel front, but fear not for the 2013 brings many potentially exciting new opportunities!

Dec 25- Jan 1 sees me heading to Sri Lanka, where I’ll attempt my 1st mountain climb to Sri Pada (also known as Adam’s Peak)!

399026_10150744984469686_1847634801_nAbove and below is the view I’m hoping to catch at Adam’s Peak. It may not seem like much, but these photos was what made me wanna go Sri Lanka. (Both photos courtesy of my friend, Gemma Goh)

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There’s also the trek to Horton’s Plain (otherwise known as the World’s End). All very exciting since I haven’t done such a rustic, back to basics holiday since I became an adult. I’m secretly hoping I’ll have the chance to speak to a reformed Tamil Tiger too.

March will see me pursue a whole new adventure… to South Korea to ski on its powder white slopes! The BFF will then head to Seoul to meet up after snowboarding, and we’ll eat kimchis, drink sochus and shop (to her heart’s content). Our last trip together before she became a mummy was in 2008 when we were in Tokyo! So this is a overdue trip. Also if all goes well, my other awesome friend will ‘make’ a business trip to Seoul around the same time. Together we’ll all get up to some nonsensical shenanigans.

There’s a slight possibility I’ll fulfill my Hogwarts dream in May. So Hogwarts is not really in Scotland, but Orlando. Who cares! Butterbeer is calling me!

And then come August, the partner and I are considering going on a road trip in… Iceland! Yes! Now’s the time to go whilst the currency is still weak, otherwise, you’ll have to suck thumb at the cost!

Alright, so work now, play very soon! Till then…go forth and conquer!

“Not all those who wander are lost.” – J.R.R. Tolkien
“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” – St. Augustine